Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Snow Flakes

37 Weeks.  We would have been bringing our little snow flake(s) into the world this week.  It would have been a scheduled C-Section some time this week.  Hard to imagine really.  Seems just like yesterday that we found out we were expecting.  Hard to imagine how our lives would be changing.  Instead we are going through just another week.  Just another day at work, just another dinner planned and prepared, just another night of sleep and breath taken.

I hope I don't upset anyone with my written words, but this is a place where I feel I can write what I feel.  Just like with anyone else, when you suffer a loss of any kind you will always have these reminders lurking around and one of those for me is children the same age as our Braylyn and Snow Flakes.  I look at these five year old, and now newborns around me, and it reminds me of what would have been.  What could have been.  DO NOT get me wrong....I am overjoyed for these parents and their children and the blessings they have been given.  I would never want to take any of their joy and happiness away from them.  The love and joy that a new parent has...priceless.  I also think in some ways it kind of helps me get through the darker days.  I look at these children and how they are growing, the milestones they are achieving; it allows me to be reminder of our babies lost.  Yes it can be a hard reminder sometimes, but it let's me see what our babies would be doing and are doing in heaven!  These children remind me that although my babies are not here with us, they are experiencing a world that I can only read about right now. 


And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.  Revelation 21:4

I don't know about you, but that is a GREAT reminder!  My babies have never cried a tear.  They have never experienced sorrow or pain.  How lucky are they!  I continue to count my blessings in this journey and my prayer for all of my readers is that you too can find peace in knowing that with Jesus living in your heart, you too can have an eternity with no death, no sorrow, no tears or pain.  You too can have an eternal life praising the name of Jesus and be reunited with those loved ones lost who had a living Savior in their heart.

My babies are safe and their Mommy will be with them for all of eternity.....    

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

For the love of music

Been a while since I have wrote.  All the hustle and bustle has come to a close and now we are playing catch up around the house.  Fall Activities, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday's....time to sit back and relax.  Yeah right!  January has been busy so far.  We decided to start updating the inside of the house a little, so we started in Callaway's bedroom.  I cleaned everything out, painted, and did a good cleaning.  The hubs tore out all the trim, bedroom door and closet door and replaced all of those.  Took some engineering work since we made the closet door wider, but shorter.  They had these old bi-fold doors that had a sliding door at the top....gone.  We now have a single door that matches her bedroom door.  Much better.  I really need to download my pictures....  Once we got all the new in, we moved all of her furniture back in and are slowly going to update her furnishings.  I got some material to make some pillows and I am still looking for that perfect material for the curtains.  My mom is going to paint her dresser to spruce it up and my old iron bed to match.  I hope to get all that before she changes her mind and wants something completely different.  LOL! 

The theme around our house lately has been singing.  My hubs is a music fan and so him and Callaway have been belting some tunes every night.  Their choice of song is usually influenced by a commerical or whatever was last heard on the radio, but they really put on a show!  And Callaway....well, she has picked up on her dads love of old country so her favorite song right now is Ring of Fire, by of course Johnny Cash.  She can really belt out the words.  (video clip to come).  Let me just say my evenings at home are not silent, but filled with the sounds of laughter and MUSIC!  Wouldn't change it for anything!

Coming up later this month....more birthday's and hopefully a trip to the movie theater!   

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Perfection of Being Imperfect

Perfect: being entirely without fault or defect: Flawless.  Satisfying all requirements: Accurate.

In recent days it has been brought to my attention, FULL attention, that I'm fake.  That is kind of blunt, but I don't know how else to put it.  You see, I am a people pleaser or maybe a VERY good piece of camouflage, I don't know which.  I have always had this assumption that life would be perfect.  You know you get married, have kids, you and your spouse never argue or have a disagreement, your kids are the most well behaved children anyone has ever seen and they are world geniuses.  You know, Perfect.

Looking back on my childhood and remembering my parents and their relationship, I am extrmely lucky.  First of all, my parents are still married.  Thirty-eight years and counting to be exact.  In today's day and age, it is so easy for couples to quit.  For them to throw in the towel and just walk away and move on.  As a child I do not ever once remember my parents getting into an arguement.  Not once do I remember one of them raising their tone of voice at the other.  This is the example I had for what my marriage should be like.  Or is it?  Children do tend to look at the innocence of everything.  Was I just not seeing the real picture, the adult version of the relationship?  I still think my parents have the most Godly marriage I know.  Having their focus on God and keeping their faith the center of their relationship is what I believe has gotten them to celebrate anniversary after anniversary after anniversary.  I do however believe that somewhere along the line they have had disagreements.  They have had arguements.  Just not in front of me.

The realization of me being fake, and me admitting to it, is step one, right?

I am sure by now I have gotten my readers in a tizzy wondering what exactly is this lady talking about.  Well here it goes...a bulleted version.  Confession....20 of them anyway (no particular order).

1.  I do not have a perfect marriage.  We do not agree on everything and suprisingly yes, we argue.
2.  My daughter is not the most well behaved child anyone has ever seen.  In fact she has a serious attitude at times that makes me want to SCREAM!
3.  I do not have it all together.  I sometimes wonder how in the world do I even function.
4.  I am not always happy.
5.  I am not as Godly as I may seem.  There is always room for spiritual growth in a persons life.  Yes, I am a sinner.
6.  My heart still aches for my daughter Braylyn.  Braylyn would have been 5 in 15 days.
7.  My heart still aches for the babies we lost to miscarriage.  I would have been 21 weeks yesterday.
8.  There are times when I say everything is fine and we are doing good...and honestly I just want to bust out in tears and cry.
9.  I'm not as strong as I may seem.  Although I know I have God on my team and He gives me strength, it is His strength you see, not mine.
10.  I like to be able to let loose, but don't really ever feel confortable enough to do so.
11.  I have serious control issues.  I want the dishes put away, the way I want them put away.
12.  I make up things to do just to stay busy.  I can't walk into a room without thinking of something that "needs" to be done.
13.  I love to sleep.
14.  I love to entertain.
15.  I'm selfish.
16.  I have serious communication problems.
17.  I'm still holding back while writing this list.
18.  I hate my job.
19.  I tell everyone what they want to hear.
20.  I am not perfect, but I am trying to perfect being imperfect.          

Monday, August 6, 2012

Gods Plan for My Life

When you look back on your life and the plans you had for it, you soon realize that it never went as planned.  There were twists and turns and loops that led to opened doors, closed doors and even doors you were pushed through.  Funny how if just one fork in the road was different, one door was never opened how drastically different things could have went.

As humans I think we tend to think we know what is best for us, our family, our children, but we easily forget that God is in full control.  Only He knows what plans He has for our lives and only He knows what we can handle.  I have a picture hanging in our living room at home that reads, "The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you."  I believe so much in this.  God leads us down paths in our lives that we could have never dreamed possible.  I remember thinking my life would be so easy.  Life would run so smoothly.  Nothing was going to get in my way and nothing could get insde my bubble and destroy it.  Boy was I wrong.  I never in a million years imagined I would have the life I do today.

As a wife I been blessed with a husband who has been my rock.  I will not lie and say that we have a had the best or easiest marriage, but we have definately grown together as husband and wife and we have lifted each other up in times when we both needed to be lifted.  As a women I have been discouraged.  I have delt with hormone issues, fertility issues, weight issues, you name it I've been there.  In today's society being a female is harder than ever, but that is a totally different discussion.  As a mother I have seen the darkest of days and I have seen the rainbows.  As a mother I have urned for a baby in my arms and I have held life.  As a daughter and sister I have felt both ashamed of myself and felt like I couldn't be prouder.

You never plan for the trials and triumps you experience in your life, but I have learned to just trust in God.  Let Him run this race WITH me, not continue this race alone.  It is only by God's grace and PLAN for my life, that I am experiencing the blessings I have today.  Yes we have seen dark days, yes we have had doors shut, and turns in the road at the last second, but we have expereinced joy, love, rainbows and blessing beyond measure.  This is my life.  This is the life God wants me to live.  This is the life God has given me and I am BLESSED!

My Lifes Plan: Part Two

After losing Braylyn, which you can read all about here,, I didn't know what direction to go in life.  Like I had said, you have this plan for your life and this picture of how everything is going to be and in a split second everything can change.  Our plans for our little girl were gone.  Plans of smiles, and laughter and celebrations.  Plans of first steps and first words.  Plans of joy and excitement when she arrived.  Replaced with anger and loneliness. All of it replaced with planning a funeral.  Replaced with...nothing.  How do you move forward?  How would I ever get over this great loss?  I wanted answers and I wanted my little girl!

As time moved on, our hearts began to heal.  We started to retreat to God instead of trying to understand all on our own.  We replaced anger with understanding and loneliness with drawing closer to each other.  We soon moved onto once again planning.  Planning for another baby.  As soon as we were able, we were pregnant once again.  Plans for the future once again began, but also fears of the unknown and the possibilites set in.  In November 2008, 1 year, 1 month and 1 day after losing our Angel Braylyn, we held Callaway in our arms.  A gift from God and Callaway's Sister.

After 3 years of enjoying our new family life, we decided it was time to expand our family.  Once again it wasn't easy and it wasn't in the time frame we were expecting.  I ended up taking some fertility drugs and "taking it into my own hands".  I will soon question, if this was what I should have done.

June 04, 2012 we got a positive pregnancy test!  The next five weeks would be a roller coaster of emotions.  Times of excitement, fear, assurance, disappointment, and plans once again.  I started thinking to myself, that everything was going to be ok.  I could start with some of the fun planning.  What were we going to have?  What names did we like?  What was the nusery going to look like?  The planning was short lived.

I had been feeling good the previous two weeks since our last doctor appointment.  Too good. There was something inside me that knew something was wrong.  I kept telling DH that something just didn't seem right, that I was feeling fine and I had never felt fine.  He kept telling me to just call the doctor and get in so I would be assured that everything was ok.  Once again I just dismissed it thinking I was worrying too much and told myself to trust in God. Friday July 13 I went to the doctor for a regular scheduled ultrasound.  DH was always adamant about me not going to doctor appointments alone so my mom and Callaway was going with me.  I had decided to enjoy the day after my appointment with some shopping so I told my mom not to worry about going with us that I wanted to take my time in Jasper and I knew she had things to get done.  There wsaas still something inside that said, "Take Callaway to Brandon's Mom and Dads house and take your mom with you."  I didn't listen.

Callaway and I went into the ultrasound room and got ready.  Callaway was excited to see the "baby" and I was once again sick to my stomach.  I updated the ultrasound tech since she wasn't there when we received news that baby #2 was no longer there.  She began, and there it was.  I knew immediately.  Once again my plans for my life took a turn.

All I could say was, "I knew it."  The technician asked, "So you can tell?"  I said I had a feeling and yes.  Callaway kept asking questions, "Is that inside your belly?"  "Is that the baby?"  I kept it together.  I just kept answering her questions and praying to God to give me strength to get out of this doctors office without losing it.  I didn't want to scare Callaway and I didn't want to fall apart in front of her.  The technician had to take some final measurements and pictures and then it was over.  That was it.  The life I had inside me was officially no more.

We were moved to another room and waited for the doctor.  I knew I had to call DH.  So I dialed his number.  When he answered, I paused, took a deep breath and said, "I'm waiting on the doctor now.  We lost the baby.  Come home now."  I told him I would still be a while since I was waiting on the doctor and didn't know what was going to hapen.  I told him I would call as soon as I was out.  On top of everything else, my doctor was on vacation.  The doctor that mad eme feel at ease and comforted me, wasn't there.  A stranger walked in.  He started to tell me my options and what more than likely had happened.  I was lost and confused.  I kept looking at Clalaway and thinking to myself, keep it together Lyndsey.  You can do this.  Just wait until you are in the car and alone.  I could see the doctors mouth moving, but couldn't hear a word he was saying.  I was in shock. 

I walked to the receptionist desk to explain that I needed to go home and talk to my DH.  She just looked at me and before I could even say anything she said, "You can call me later."  She probably doesn't know, but I have in some way become drawn to her.  She is easy to talk to and she knows my history and she is someone who has a big heart, she just puts out that vibe.  Anyways, I walked out the door, got Callaway in her car seat, got into the car and had a minute of bawling.  I knew I had to get home.  I wasn't going to be able to keep this strength up.  I just kept praying to God to stay with me and to get us home safe.  I called my mom on my way home.  I told her what had happened and asked it I could bring Callaway over while I go home and talk with Brandon and just compose myself and figure out what as going to happen.

When I got to my mom and dads house, my Pastor and his wife was there.  My mom had been crying and she had aske dthem to come over.  We sat down and prayed together and I left to go home.  When I got home Brandon and I just hugged.  He told me everything was going to be ok and that no matter what we had each other and we had Callway.  We sat down to talk and discuss our options.  With all the blood thinning meds I had been on, we decided it was best for me to have a D&C instead of letting nature run it's course.  Brandon called the receptionsit and asked her to schedule the surgery.  She called us back and we were to be at the hospital at 6 AM on Saturday July 14.

  We once again were lost.  We once again were angry.  We once again just gave up.  It is hard to understand why things happen in our lives that we think are unfair.  When you go through something so painful, dramatic, life changing you start to question everything.  Did I ever plan or imagine that I would go through the loss of a child at 39 weeks pregnant, no.  Did I ever plan or imagine that I would experience a "vanishing twin", no.  Never even heard of such a thing.  Did I ever plan or imagine that I would have a miscarriage, no.  I have come to the conclusion that my life is not my life, but God's.  God knew axactly what kind of life I was going to have.  He knew it before I was even born.  He knew that I would be the mother of three of His children.  He knew the heartache that was to come and He knew what people to place into my life so I could get through it all.  God is on control of my life and it's about time I turn it all over to Him and let Him take the wheel instead of me trying to control it all.            

Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Life's Plan

You know how when you were little and everyone asked you, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  I guess alot of kids answers were Fire Man, Cowboy, Doctor, Teacher, etc., but I don't really recall what I said I wanted to be when I grew up.  There of course was the dream of getting married havings kids and growing old together with grandchildren all around.  It wasn't until I reached high school that I got a love for decorating and interior design. So after high school that is what I wanted to go to college for.  College...that brings up so many more questions.  What college do I go to?  Which college has the best program?  Do I want to leave home or commute?  Finally after all the options are weighed, you make a desicion.  I decided to go to a local community college and commute just so I could get a feel for the college life and how it would differientiate from high school.  After one year of college I decided to apply for a larger 4 year college and see what happens.  I got accepted and prepared to make a big change in my life.  Leave home and be on my own.  That all changed when someone entered my life.  Not for the first time as we had been friends all through high school, but for the first time I saw him as somehting more.  I couldn't leave him.  I decided to stay at the community college and finish my two year degree there and see what happens.

We were inseperable.  We did everything together that summer; four-wheeler riding about every night, movies, double dates, and just spending time together.  The future started to become our main topic of dicussion.  Marriage, family, carreers, life.  After being together for a couple of years we decided to get engaged.  A wedding was the next step.  Plans were in full force for a Fall wedding.  Menus were made, dresses bought, and venues and photographers reserved.  Then less than four months before the wedding, we called it off.  God had another plan for me and us.  We split on bad terms and I was left wondering, where do I go from here?   

I looked into moving to the city.  Leaving everything behind.  Getting a fresh start.  No matter what I looked into, something kept me Small Town USA.  Interior Design was not a booming industry in these parts.  Paying someone to come into your house and have them decorate and paint and design was "unnecessary".   So now what do I do with my life?  I ended up getting a job at our areas only good employer as a contractor for the government.  Not at all what I ever planned for my life.  What happened to the dream of moving to the city and becoming this Interior Designer, driving a Mercedes and living a social life in the city as a carrer women?

A year or so went by and I was put back into the path of the man I was onced engaged to.  We started to hang out again and it was almost like we never split, but with a stronger bond.  We grew up.  We knew what it was going to take to be together and how we made each other stronger.  Within several months of getting back together we were once again planning a wedding.  Spring wedding this time.  We had 7 months to get it all together.  We did and it was great!  We were married and on our way to spending our life together.

We knew we wanted to start trying for a family immediately.  I mean we had been together off and on for 5 years, had good jobs, had a new house, and we were just ready to start another stage to our life.  Or so that was our plan.  We tried for what seemed like forever.  It seemed like all of our friends and people around us were getting pregnant and having kids and starting their families.  We weren't.  It brought some tension to the marriage, more from me than DH, but I wanted a family.  I was 25.  My mom & dad had their first child when they were 25, my brother had his first child when he was 25, it was my turn.  My dream of the perfect marriage and the perfect family was starting to fade.  My plan for my life was not going in the direction I wanted it to go.

Finally the day after Super  Bowl Sunday, 2007, I got a positive home pregnancy test!  I was in shock.  This was now real.  The suspense was killing me to tell DH, so as soon as he got home from work I told him.  We were both excited, yet scared.  We both had been the babies on both sides of the family, so we were never around babies growing up.  What is this going to be like?  What was I to expect while pregnant?  Were we going to be good parents?  Then the excitement set in.  Picking out names, imagining our baby, what he/she would be like, and of course designing and decorating the nursery.  Our due date was set for October 15, 2007.  October 15th, the same date of our first planned wedding.  Wow.  That was weird.  The pregnancy went good.  Of course being my first pregnancy I was neieve in what I expected.  I didn't think much about things throughout the pregnancy besides try to eat well and not overdue it toward the end.  All along still planning for the future of our family.  The family vacations we would go on, the holidays we would now have a little one running around, the joy and excitement of it all.

I was scheduled for a check-up with my doctor on Tuesday October 9, so Monday October 8 was my lasty day at work before going on leave.  My mom had decided to go with me to the doctor so we left early so we could go to Wal-Mart and stop by my brother and sister-n-laws house.  It was finally time for my appointment so we headed to the doctor office.  Little did I know, the plan I had for my life was about to take a major turn.